I may need an attitude adjustment, and I am thinking my post is going to lose me some readers. I want to first clarify that I in no way find being a mom easy. No way, no how, not at all. I wish there were a parenting manual and a how-to guide to dealing with all the headaches, challenges, and complexities that come with being a mom. I struggle to find the right way to raise my kids on a daily basis. However, I seem to be missing something. It may have a bit to do with reading Laura Bennett’s book called “Didn’t I Feed You Yesterday” and her strong focus and enforcement of being an individual as well as a mom. It may have to do with the time I have been spending with my kids, from stressful days at home to hopping in a car and taking a road trip, or even some of the great conversations I have had with some good friends lately. Either way, I am losing patience with the people who claim to lose themselves in mommyhood and don’t know who they are anymore.
Now, keep in mind I have two children. I do not think that it is easy to be a stay at home mom, nor do I think a working mom has it any easier (well, most days I believe it’s the same. Some days I envy the working mom- before I realized that I would then have two jobs. Gulp). In either case, it is hard to be a mom. There are challenging days when you can’t seem to put that screaming toddler down or you run out of hours to get all of your errands done. Finding time for yourself can be a bit of a challenge, if not at times impossible, but we can’t always put our own selves on the back burners. If you do not take care of yourself and put yourself first sometimes, who else is going to?
I become very confused by the people who claim not to have an identity anymore once they become a mom. Why on earth not? I get having frustrating days and feel the need to get out alone for awhile. So go ahead and do it. If you feel like you are losing yourself in your kids, then quite frankly I think you are doing it wrong. My kids are an amazing part of my life and an extension of who I am. I have become a better person in being their mom- a different person, yes. My days and my priorities do revolve around them, but it has made me stronger not question who I am as a person. I do not understand the constant lamenting of being a parent or that it affects your appearance.
My great friend Lisa is a perfect example. She despises sweatpants. She thoroughly hates them and we have had more than one conversation in which she has said, just because I am a mom, why can’t I dress nice? Granted, I love a good yoga pant day here and there, but I semi-agree with her. I do not take my kid to preschool in pajamas or shopping in sweats. If I wanted to, then I would- dress to your comfort level, and if that’s in sweats then more power to you. It is all about being comfortable in who you are and if dressing down has a negative effect, then skip it. I prepare myself for the day in clothes I feel like wearing. I could have on cute leather boots or comfortable sneakers- but the point is, I put myself together. Just because I am a stay at home mom does not mean I do not care about my appearance. Who does not feel better after putting on a fabulous pair of shoes? Even if your toddler is the only one who is going to see them, it puts you in a better frame of mind.
Then, there are the days where my husband walks in the door after a ten hour day and I simply hand him the baby, tell him the 4 year old is destroying the living room and go upstairs and lock the bathroom door. I take a bath, whether he got home at 5:30 or 8:30. Yes, he had a busy day, and more days than not we try to make sure he has some downtime. But guess what? He’s their parent too and he can do his part. My husband never complains either, nor does he think this is in anyway not fair. Sometimes, its will be calling up a friend, and if we’re too far apart in distance, we’ll each pour a glass of wine and have a long chat on the phone But the point is, I create the break that I need. How much good can I do my husband or children if I am at the end of my rope? Not much. Sometimes you need to stop and take a breath. When my husband is traveling or working long hours, then I create the time after they go to bed (which is not quite the same, but helps).
I suppose I have just become increasingly frustrated- moms have such labels and images, such as “working mom” “stay at home mom” “she’s feeding her kid this mom” . There are so many ways to stereotype, to label, to judge. it’s either the “Oh, that’s not work, it’s just what moms do” mentality or it is “this is so hard it’s nearly impossible”perception. Having kids is not easy, staying at home with them is hard, and I can’t begin to imagine working with kids, but I assure you that hourly Facebook updates telling us how tough it is are not going to help your situation (have you read The Mommyologist’s post about 10 reasons why facebook totally sucks by the way? Genius.) I am not denying the sisterhood here. There are challenges we face as moms that are so beyond what we can even imagine at the moment, and those challenges will only increase as our children grow. There are judgment calls, temper tantrums, and crying breakdowns (and the kids to think about too!). It is not easy to be a mom. But, at the end of the day, we are responsible for ourselves first- and we need to own that. We need to remember that there is someone in there besides mom, that the you you used to be hasn’t disappeared, only evolved, making us stronger women, stronger moms.
This post was updated from one of my original Deep South Moms post. I miss the community greatly but wish its founders luck! This post is also submitted to Pour Your Heart Out over at Shell’s Things I Can’t Say (you must follow her blog!)
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Welcome to My Front Porch Swing! I'm Ashley, a Georgia Mom of 2. I work from home running social media promotions, particularly representing small businesses. You can almost always find me on Twitter and devouring as much about Social Media as I can. Follow along as I navigate life as a work at home mom and wife while striving to find a balance. Note the word "striving"
Ashley, I down right agreed with every, single word you wrote. We as moms CHOOSE how our days are fun, how we appear, how we let things affect us. It’s all a choice. This was a wonderful post and great read… thanks for posting it!
Amanda {Enchanted Havoc} recently posted..30 Days of Truth Day 9
Twitter: AshleyNAbele
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Thank you so much Amanda- I really appreciate your comment!
Twitter: Lindsay_Blogs
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AMEN! Having my kids hasn’t made me lose myself…If anything it’s helped me to realize who I really am! I am more comfortable in my own skin now than I ever was before the kids. Before them, I always worried about what other people thought of me and how I looked. Now…it’s like I just have a different view of the world. I worry about what my CHILDREN think of me and if THEY will be proud to call me mommy. I’m more ME than I’ve ever been!
Lindsay @ Just My Blog recently posted..Our Children- Part 3- Pregnant with Dumpling
Twitter: AshleyNAbele
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Thank you for your thoughts Lindsay- that’s such a great way to approach it. Nobody has to lose anything, it’s all about approach. I love it!
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
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I can agree with part and disagree with other parts. I am a stay at home mom to three children (4, 3 & 18mo) and i had lost mySELF at one point. It does happen. I had 3 kids 3 years old and under and a husband who works 80+ hours a week and although i LOVE LOVE LOVE being a mom sometimes it really is not possible to be yourself when you are deep into sleep deprivation and three kids who are with you – always. I dont have daycare, preschool or much help – that is not really a choice. My husband leaves for work before the kids are up and is home long before they get home most week days – we do this so we can have 3 kids & i can stay home. our sacrifice. our decision.
I do agree that you need to be the best you in order to be the best mom. I also get very drained from people constantly complaining. So i get that part. It is hard being a stay at home mom & even harder when you dont have any support and there are some moms out there who dont have a husband you can just hand your child over to or a friend who can talk to you on the phone. You are lucky that you have that. I dont always have that but, these children were MY decision and i do own that.
Devan @ Accustomed Chaos recently posted..Wordless- Art Work By A 3 Year Old Princess
Twitter: AshleyNAbele
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Devan, I love your reply. I have made many, many (okay many!) posts on here about how lonely I get since we move around about once a year. It gets tiring and frustrating and lonely when there’s no one to have a shoulder to lean on, especially when my husband travels. I get the hard parts of being mom, and we all need to have a chance to vent or let it out too (I know I would explode otherwise!). My frustration lives in those who want to be hallowed in that they sacrificed their own being in order to be a mom. Yes, we make sacrifices, and to me, I think nearly daily. But what I don’t understand are the people who constantly complain- never seeing the good, never taking the time to share the good. It’s those who think they are so above and beyond everyone else that get to me- I get tired too, I get frustrated, I run out of steam when my husband is gone for another month. But at the same time.. I’m still me. Ya know?
Thank you so much for your reply, I fully appreciate your perspective!
Oh, I’m cheering at this! We do need to work to make sure we don’t lose ourselves in our kids. Take care of them, let them know they are important, but won’t be much use to them if we are only “mommy” and not ourselves, too.
Twitter: AshleyNAbele
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Shell you may have succinctly surmised my entire post in your reply (though shh, we’ll pretend we need all the words!) Yes, yes, and yes! I’m so glad you understood the point I was making, I was nervous that I would not be presenting it properly.
Thanks for this post! Most of us made the CHOICE to become mothers. I definitely agree that it has made me a stronger woman and even though we all have those days when we realize it’s 3pm and we still haven’t gotten a chance to brush our teeth, it doesn’t mean I’ve lost myself. It’s just another part of ME… granted, a dirtier me, but a part of me nonetheless. A part of me being a mom. It doesn’t last forever. The hard years pass in a blink of an eye so embrace the days you don’t get dressed and cuddle your baby when they’re sick and clingy. You’ll miss it later!
Erin recently posted..Clints First Year in Pictures
Twitter: AshleyNAbele
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Erin, I just love your response, especially “It’s just another part of ME”– exactly! That doesn’t mean we don’t wish to lose a few pounds or have a break here or there, but it’s a stage of life. And no stage lasts forever. Thanks for commenting!
Great post! I really struggle with losing myself in my family and I have a hard time carving out time for me. I try so hard to “create the break that I need”, but most of the time it doesn’t work out. Sometimes I think I’m the only adult in my house. LOL! That’s another post for another time! I will continue to try to get some “me” time!
Twitter: AshleyNAbele
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Oh I think we all can relate to this- it’s not easy or perfection 100% of the time. And we all have those days (including- no, especially, me!) where we just need a break. I understand the only adult comment too- sometimes I find myself scolding my husband for arguing with our 4 year old! Thanks for commenting!
I think that was wonderfully said! Thank you! I dress for me too. My kids are a part of my life not my life also. I’ve always thought that. I appreciate you taking the time to post about it. And I loved Mommyologist post about FB! It is so important to keep time for yourself in the daily grind of life.
Twitter: AshleyNAbele
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Thank you for your kind reply! It’s hard, because I do not want to take away from my kids- I love them, and they mean the world to me, but at the end of the day- I’m still me. Thanks for commenting!
I totally get that. I especially don’t get the mom’s who wear sweats and then dress their little darling in a cute outfit from Hanna Anserson or something! It makes me want to scream at them, “YOU DON”T MATCH! YOU NEED TO LOOK NICE TOO!!”
Mommy Lisa recently posted..Moving with The Monday Minute
Twitter: AshleyNAbele
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LOL, I love the reply about not matching!
Hip-hip-hooray!!
First off – the mom that’s got 3 under 3 and a hubby that works a ton.. I’ve been there!! I lost myself too and I had no choice. The good news is, the kids get older, easier, and you get to start over again with finding yourself.
I get dressed EVERYDAY. I refuse to take my kids to school unless i have on at least decent makeup and a shirt and jeans. I don’t get out of the van, but I see all of the other moms in line, and while driving, and I want my kids to know their mommy takes pride in her appearance.
Making time for yourself is so important. I used to workout at 9pm every night when I was unable to ever find any other second of time for me. I was exhausted, but I needed it.
Mandy recently posted..Dancing Queen
Twitter: AshleyNAbele
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Mandy you have my awe in the 3 under three and working a ton- I get exhausted from two! You know, sometimes it is the little things. I’m not knocking those who would rather be in sweats- it’s the ones who say they “have” to be. Dress in sweats or an evening gown, but it’s your choice. That’s amazing that you would workout at 9 pm each night- I have to admit at lacking that level of motivation!
Twitter: bellebeandog
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I whole-heartedly agree! the women i know who would disagree with this are also the ones who tend to be overbearing moms and complete wrecks most of the time! what some women don’t understand is you make a better mom if you take care of yourself and your marriage.
if you are a wreck, your kids know it. you make THINK you hide it, but you don’t.
happy moms = happy kids
liz recently posted..True One-of-a-Kinds
Twitter: AshleyNAbele
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I love your reply Liz- so true, especially this line: “if you are a wreck, your kids know it. you make THINK you hide it, but you don’t. ” Exactly!
Twitter: julialadewski
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well said, girl. very awesome point. we do all need breaks and it’s ok to admit that. the mom who says she can do it all 24-7 all the time… i wonder if she’s faking it. anyway, we all need to be ourselves. my job involves workout clothes and sweatpants, but when we go out, i try to wear “real” clothes so i look like a real person!
julia recently posted..WMW- Sharing my money
Twitter: AshleyNAbele
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Julia, I am with you- no one has it together all of the time, and if you don’t take those needed breaks, where does your sanity go? I think that largely leads to the martyrdom some take in mommyhood- while we are saints and deserve statutes (or at least chocolates), it doesn’t need to replace -insert name here-. Quite frankly, some days I want to wear yoga pants– so I do. But, not because my kids “force me” to. Thanks for your reply, and I bet you rock the workout clothes!
AMEN! Very well-said. I too believe that my son is PART of my life. He is not my entire life. While he’s only 2 and my days do essentially revolve around him, I still make sure to have some ME time. Thankfully he still naps so I get a couple hours each afternoon, but I also make time for girl’s nights out with friends and regular dates with my husband. I also am grateful to have a gym membership with childcare right there in the facility. He goes for 1.5 hours most mornings and plays with his buddies. I get some me time and a workout. He just started preschool once a week so those days are MINE! My husband and I took a 4 day vacation ALONE this summer and it was the best thing we could’ve done. I have quite a few friends who never want to be away from their kids and frankly, I don’t get it. I love my son with all of my heart, but it’s like having chocolate ice cream every single day…sometimes you need a break from it or you get very tired of it. I need a chance to miss him so I can be a better mom.
Kelly recently posted..1st Day of Preschool
You didn’t loose me as a follower. I appreciate your honesty! Maybe tomorrow I will get my cute shoes out and take off the sweat pants
Twitter: apichea
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I truly appreciate this post. I left another comment (that pretty much sums it all up) on the blogfrog forum: I’m defined by grace!
Ashley Pichea recently posted..Who & Why Wednesday- God is my PROVIDER
Twitter: AshleyNAbele
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Thank you so much for your heart-felt reply- I loved your blogfrog comment and the perspective you added to this subject! Thank you!
Awesome post! I couldn’t agree more. Being a mommy does not define who we are just because we have children. I believe that having my children has made me realize who I really am and what I can be. I didn’t lose myself I gained a new perspective on life and I have loved every minute, the ups and the downs.
You are so right about taking time for ourselves. It is very important to have “me” time where we can unwind and enjoy what we like doing. Whether it’s a manicure or a bubble bath with a good magazine. Hence the reason I will be going scrapbooking this Saturday evening while daddy takes the kids.
Twitter: AshleyNAbele
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Tiffany, I love your reply and it really states what I feel- no one is saying this is easy, because it’s not, but maintaining a sense of self will only make us better moms. I hope you have fun on Saturday! (by the way, your link on your name doesn’t go anywhere– I tried to return the visit!)
Ashley you hit the nail on the head IMHO! lol We mom’s need to learn to take time out for ourselves so we don’t “lose” ourselves in Motherhood! Great post
Brooke recently posted..Playskool Monty Rex only 24 on Amazon – FREE SHIPPING!
Yeah, what you said, hon. I don’t work because I HAVE to. I work because I don’t WANT to “mom” all the time.
I am not a mom so I don’t have the full perspective yet, and I fully appreciate that I know nothing.
But this I know. My mom gave up herself entirely for us four kids. She stopped hanging out with friends and when we all had to move to where my dad’s new job was, she did not make new ones and we were and are her life. The perspective is really, do you want that for your kids? I know if she’s going to go out during the week its cause I took her or she tagged along with my dad and his friends. I appreciate all she has done for me and its why I do anything and everything I can, but I don’t wish that on my kids and I don’t want to be bored or without my support group in the future either.
Twitter: Family_Manager
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Why would you lose any followers for saying what is so very important and true: we are women, not just “mothers.” I, too, have never understood how women become so involved in raising their children that they feel they have no identity. I love my children, and they mean the world to me; but being a mother is only *one* of the many things I am. I’m also a wife. I’m also a writer. I’m also a hobby farmer.
And a confession: I avoid moms’ groups like the plague. When I get away from the kids, I don’t want to be talking about my kids. I don’t want to be swapping stories of how bad we’ve got it and how hard it is. I want to talk about our lives, who we are, our other interests, and have fun doing it. If all anyone can think to talk about is their child, well, chances are, we’re not going to have a whole lot in common. Harsh? Yes, I know it is…but it’s how I feel about it.
I have more respect for myself to dress in sweats, unless I’m working out or going to physical therapy…and even then I dress them up.
So how is that for being truthful and not “politically correct?”
Michele – The Professional Family Manager recently posted..My August Earnings from Being a Mom- What I’m Worth Wednesday- Week Sixteen
Twitter: IHaveLanded
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Funny, I wrote a post exactly about this last night (not posted yet) – I am SO with you on this. Motherhood is a wonderful (and arduous) journey but it is only one of the paths we take, not a destination. I am not solely defined by what my daughter is or isn’t. The same way I wasn’t defined by my career and pets before I had her. I’m glad to see your thoughts on this. Especially since they’re the same as mine
Justine recently posted..I didn’t teach her this
Twitter: BeingMomNow
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When I started reading your post, I thought, “Oh boy, here we go, some mom is going to sit on her high horse and judge us all”. I am so glad that I was wrong! I think you make really valid points. I am just starting to follow the “Fly Lady” ways and she tells us that we must get dressed first thing every day. She says that by getting dressed you are ready to do anything and will be more productive. I tweek it and don’t get dressed till my son’s first nap, but I get dressed and I do think I am more productive because of it.
As far as losing myself…it happens occasionally, but I don’t let it last long. I think my blog has helped created something for me to do (even if it is about being a mom). I also go to Baby Boot Camp 4 days a week and although he comes with me, I am doing that for myself. In fact, it probably would be better for his nap schedule if I didn’t go, but he seems to be flexible enough that we put my needs in front of his for now. It will be interesting to see if I am this “balanced” when it is time for the second kid.
Mommy C
Mommy C recently posted..Wordless Wednesday- Every Puppy Should Have A Boy
Twitter: lifewithoutpink
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What a great post! I am struggling with this very issue. My boys are very needy and demanding on me. I am really trying to break this because it is really draining. I have to admit I have put myself on the back burner because they need my attention right now. I know it is a phase {and hard one} but I am hoping that it will get easier. For me they go through cycles were they are great and I can do more for myself and then there are times {like now} where they become tough to deal with. I always make sure I get showered and dressed for the day because it makes me feel…well more human! Motherhood is NOT easy!
If you find that manual please, please, let me know!!!
Twitter: cori_shelley
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I’m not a mom, but I have seen the moms out there who have “given in” to being moms, let their kids take over their lives and no longer are “who they once were.”. In my opinion it’s kind of sad. While YES, their kids and family should be their life, but doesn’t mean it has to alter who they are?!!
Great post! I think you probably gained more followers then losing them! I think every person (mom or not) can relate to this!
Twitter: AshleyNAbele
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Cori, I love your reply and insight on this- I think your statement is perfect! “While YES, their kids and family should be their life, but doesn’t mean it has to alter who they are?!!”. Yes, my friend. Exactly.
Twitter: fromtracie
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I totally agree with this.
I wear yoga pants around the house…but I did that before my daughter. Home is for comfort. When I leave the house I dress in “real clothes” no matter what. Also, there is always time to brush your hair. When I see a new mom lament the fact that she hasn’t had a shower in a couple of days, I sympathize and realize that she is going to have to find her groove. When I see the mom of a one year old complain on twitter that she hasn’t brushed her hair yet and it is 2pm…..I think it is time for her to get off of twitter and use that brush. It only takes ten seconds and always makes you feel better and more put together.
There are lots of days when I am stressed. We don’t live near family right now and babysitting is not an option. Sometimes I don’t leave the house for a week. This isn’t ideal, but it is life for right now. I do the mom thing all day long (homeschool and everything) but here is the truth-I haven’t lost me at all. When I get a call from my kid-less younger friends, I still fit into that conversation as Tracie. The same person I have always been.
It seems to me that women who have an identity crisis after children might not have had such a great handle on who they were before those children came along.
Tracie recently posted..I Have Been Cheating On You
Twitter: AshleyNAbele
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Tracie, I love your insight on this. I agree with you and love your perspective. We all have days where we are ready to lose our minds and are on the brink of insanity; I think everyone does, whether they are a mom or not. Becoming a mom means changing your life, and it can be an adjustment. Being a mom is difficult, and while it consumes most of our time, it doesn’t mean we aren’t still ourselves. Thank you so much for your comment.
Such a great post. I agree with most of it, but I also think other things come in to play – like what your support system is, the temperament of your child, what you wanted out of life before you had a child. I know I got lost for awhile when our kids were little (and close together), but as they get older, I learned to survive (and be happy!) I had to let go + carve out time for me. But that was hard to do when I had babies + my husband traveled constantly because we didn’t have family in the area. Now we have some trusted sitters
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Unplanned Cooking recently posted..How To Clean Out Your Closet
Twitter: AshleyNAbele
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I of course agree that it’s easy to get lost when they’re young- we move constantly, my husband is gone often, and we don’t ever live near family. We all feel lost at times- I think it’s the difference between blaming the kids and realizing where we are in life that really matters!
Twitter: ByWordsMusings
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Go hug yourself dear … you are amazing. All that you do for your family, all that you do for your friends – I have never known anyone so selfless … so go pour a glass of vino and yes, pat yourself on the back – because you are awesome!!!
By Word of Mouth Musings recently posted..Wordless Wednesday, is it really about ‘poop’?
I clicked over from your link on shell’s today and I’ve been browsing.
SOOOO agree with everything you said here. 100%