Apr 24, 2012

I wore my hair down today

April 24, 2012 35 Comments

I wore my hair down today.

It’s almost laughable to think that something so seemingly inconsequential is so significant. Last year, I stood in front of the mirror, tears streaming down my face as I pulled clumps after clumps of hair off of my head, slowly displaying large portions my scalp in a tortured reveal. I spent weeks crying as it continued after each shower, each brushing of what was left, each end of the day. So, finally, I put my hair in a ponytail.

And it’s been there ever since.

You just don’t quite realize how much your appearance is a part of you. It is hard to comprehend that removing an element of ourselves that we so often take for granted can have such a profound impact on your every day.

But it does.

You do not like to think that you are preoccupied with your appearance. While you strive to look decent and well put together, it is difficult to imagine that something such as the look of your hair could feel like it affects your very being.

But it does.

When facing challenges you never thought you’d face, experiencing fear unlike that of which you’ve ever known, with the future such an uncertainty, it is hard to believe that looking in the mirror can make you feel like you’re already losing the fight.

But it can.

I am a lucky, lucky woman. With everything that I have experienced this past year, and everything I have to face ahead, I am still here. I am in a position where I no longer have to fear for my life, fear for my tomorrow. But this past year has changed so much of my perspective and has shaken me down to the very core. When something comes your way that affects every part of your life, it is impossible to imagine how much things will change. Even more incomprehensible is the slow fear that wars with hope when you start to notice a change can overwhelm you to the point of exhaustion.

But it can.

I wore my hair down today. While it doesn’t compare to the assurances I have been given, while it doesn’t erase the trepidation and anxiety the past year has consumed me with, while it doesn’t come close to the absolutely stunning things I will still face…

I wore my hair down today.

It still means so much. In a way that may never make much sense to anyone, it still means so much. Tears streamed down my face as I looked in the mirror, and for the first time in a long time, I started to think it would be okay.

Because I wore my hair down today.

Please excuse the odd picture, but it’s the only one I took of myself yesterday :)

Filed Under: Life & Love 35 Comments
Apr 23, 2012

Recapturing a moment in a time… an anniversary

April 23, 2012 15 Comments

It’s hard to believe that years ago, on this day, I walked up to this chapel in Charleston, filled with nerves, anticipation, and the wonder of what would be.

Draped in white, flowers, and excitement, traditions held, the two of us had escaped the world around us, following our hearts down the path of the unknown, taking a leap of faith neither of us ever quite fully grasped and a journey we couldn’t imagine. From our home in Georgia, we journeyed to Utah…

… to the Emerald Coast in Florida

…. to the Chesapeake Bay in Virginia

…to the traumatizing state of Alaska…

…and finally making it back home to Georgia.

But standing here years later, we shared in a kiss in the same place we had said “I do”. Because wherever we go, we will always find the other one to be home.

I am so lucky and honored to call this man my husband, and am so happy to celebrate another year of marriage. Happy Anniversary to my husband. Here’s to many things to come in 2012, and many more years ahead. 

 

Filed Under: Life & Love 15 Comments
Apr 17, 2012

Hoping against fears

April 17, 2012 27 Comments

If you missed the first part of this very long story, you can read Looking for Answers and Struggling through the Questions.

After months of aggravation and testing, the level of defeat I felt was nothing short of debilitating. At this point, I barely had the energy to lift my head at the end of the day, let alone continue on this never-ending quest to figure out what exactly was so wrong. I figured that since they had ruled out so many things, how much worse could it be?

Foolish question- isn’t it always? My doctor sat me down and asked me to stay calm. They had ruled out many things, and though some of my tests were improving, they were quite concerned that it was one certain possibility. Though there were inconsistencies, they feared I was facing either a rare, problematic blood disorder or cancer of the bone marrow. I needed to be scheduled for a bone marrow biopsy and ct scan immediately.

At this point, I went numb. I spent the next few weeks terrified and once I recovered from the anesthesia and procedure itself, stayed in a dulled sense of worry. As someone who has suffered medical anxiety for years, my threshold had long been crossed. Each day of waiting was more painful than the day before. I would burst into tears checking on my kids at night and brush away tears while watching them play. I tended to work and projects in a hazy cloud of fear, numbly wondering if it was even worthwhile.

My days were full of anguish, and I barely knew how to breathe anymore. My husband stood by side as I went through so many ups and downs, angry at the most irrational of things, often taking it out on him. He would try to reassure me and tell me everything was alright, and it made me so.damn.angry. He was so sure that it was going to be okay, so confident in the outcome, and all I could think of was how I was going to let him down and abandon him.

Nothing made any sense. There was no way to explain away the panic or the fear that consumed my every waking moment- and some of the asleep ones too. I either made inappropriate death jokes, lashed out, or completely withdrew.  I wish I had been able to approach the situation with the same grace a friend later showed me, but it took a very long time until I could even function as a normal human being.

Finally, my results came. Walking into the office with such trepidation my hands were icy with fear, I stared at the doctor long after she told me the results were negative. I was clear.

I did not have cancer.

As I left the office with the most baffling of explanations, I thought it would be nearly an eternity until I returned. But not that much longer later, I found myself heading right back in…

Filed Under: Pour Your Heart Out 27 Comments
Apr 16, 2012

Holding Hands: Memories Captured

April 16, 2012 37 Comments

Our children grow far too quickly. Time flies by quicker than we can imagine, and soon our tiny babies resemble tiny adults. Watching my children grow and interact is one of the great joy’s of my life (okay, and sometimes a great headache too- they are siblings.) Luckily, Galit from These Little Waves and Alison from Mama Wants This provide us a fabulous chance each month to capture the memories that are far too fleeting.

As my children get a little older, one of the most amazing things to watch is their evolving relationship as siblings. As their mom, I can only hope it continues to grow the older they get- and that they always have each other to count on…

Filed Under: Life & Love 37 Comments
Apr 10, 2012

Struggling through the questions

April 10, 2012 52 Comments

(The first installment of this was posted last week if you’re new here- and welcome!)

Walking into the cancer center with my then 2 year old daughter clinging to me was one of the most surreal experiences of my life. Just the words “cancer center” are enough to evoke more fear than I’d ever like to feel again in a lifetime. Meeting with an oncologist and a hematologist were not on my list of things to do this year…

As I nervously settled in with a medical bracelet on my wrist, I fought the urge to flee. At that moment in time, I had no desire to know what they had to say or what this visit would reveal. As each minute ticked on by, I just kept hoping I wasn’t about to die.

Following what seemed like an eternity later, I went into the room. After multiple visits with the Endocrinologist, I figured this would be a breeze. Until we went over every.single.detail. about my body. Every possibility was discussed, every symptom examined. The tremor in my hands was watched for what seemed like hours, the continuous weight loss was discussed extensively, my hair was looked at with sympathy and concern. My heart rate was checked, the racing from far more than my nervousness at the situation. More blood than I believed should ever leave my body was taken, off for more evaluations.

The next week, I returned. They thought it was one situation, then another, and then another still. They thought I had a rare blood disease, issues with my kidneys, problems with my liver. Test after test after test… after test… was ordered. I went in and out of labs and doctor offices in a daze, wondering when this would all be figured out and resolved. I really didn’t think it could get any worse.

Until I returned several months after the onset of all of this and was told that I needed a bone marrow biopsy and ct scans done immediately. After months of tests and questions, I thought we had been getting somewhere. Things were not looking good..

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Filed Under: Life & Love, Pour Your Heart Out 52 Comments
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